i dont like ignorance


i want to feel love again.i feel so lonely now. i have no one to say i love you.i have no one to hug.i cant hear anymore of "baby"...

i feel so upset yet happy.. everyone is getting engaged and married.. but im left with no one.. i want to feel happy too like u are now

bad bad bad apple

I had a tough time at work thinking and wondering about all stuffs. I really lost my locker key this time round and I had to skip my meal because I had no money with me. I just slept and continue with work. Was really thirsty but I dont like to borrow other ppl's money. I'm hoping for may to end soon. They say whoever work for a year would get extra 1.2k. I want to have license and I want to clear my bills if possoble.

Last two days i told my mom how nice to have my own house.. she said if only im 21.. i seek for permission to have my own house on my 21st birthday.. she didnt promise but she somehow agree ro it. Im gonna work hard.I wish i had a child with me to accompany me eventhough i have no husband.. hahaha. how wonderful to have someone by you.

Rephrasing to his sentences, would it be nice if theres someone to hug you..
because at this point of time i feel so lonely and feel like tearing..

such a bad bad bad day.. i search for my key high and low but still i couldnt find it.. maybe it reflects on my life.
things that has gone will never come back...

weaknesses

I have so many things to share, to tell and to cry about.
but i need to more time.

i wanted to ask you for a hug. i wanted to hold ur hand or shoulder as i talk it out but i know you will surely feel something is not right.

now, im crying knowing everything is too late

pernah ada rasa cinta, kini hanya tinggal sejarah

who is there to help find myself back cause i am lost eversince you left.

This is going to be a long post ever

Two days before my birthday, Amali was very impromptu to come and fetch me at work with bike. WHAT THE HELL was on his mind. Everyone knows I got fear riding a bike.On my mind was, what if my dad saw me? what if he hit someone or another driver? would I flung? where would I hit? A pole? or Drop in the drain? Or worst roll over on another driver's car? ahahaha! See how paranoid I am. I am someone who is friendly and easy to befriend with, Although my status is single, I will act rationale-ly. I don't need to hug him unless I gonna fall back * it happened when I was a pillion of Khay* . That's when the fear came by.Otherwise, I just hold tightly to the handle at the back of the seat.Shit okay! My butt was cramp. ahaahhaah.

So the plan was to celebrate my birthday at Zouk/Attica/Zirca/Supperclub but at the end, we decided to go zouk. We went on 09.04.10 @11.55pm. Hisyam waited for me under my block. Cabbed to Khatib and meet the rest. On that day itself, I kept looking at my hp, Was expecting him to call or msg to bring me out. Makan at least? but I received from someone else instead.On that night itself approximately @ 12md, he called to wish me a happy birthday and he started to blabbering. I wanted to talk longer but I reminded myself to stop because I was afraid.So he didn't ask me how was my day or didn't ask me out on my birthday. I was hoping but I more or less want it to be surprise but nothing.So Zouk was pack with humans and fishes and zombies. We just dance on our own.I simply love the breeze okay! sudden blurness! ahaha!I didnt really fancy those songs that much. Went up and down. Phuture and zouk. Phuture was rnb. nice songs but i wished i was spending it with him.

HOME at last ard 0345 AM, Open the door and i saw dad and mom was lying on the floor ; electric was not working. shit right?? i wanted to pee, its a good thing my hp got light.Manage to take a nap for 15 mins and out again to work. shit. It was really a bummer cause I forget to bring my wallet and also ATM card. Good was I had coins with me. Tea and bun for breakfast. Tea and biscuit for lunch. Okay, Work was hell tiring and I wasn't surprise at all cause I know how my partner is like. &&& yeah, my stomach was growling and making noise.

I managed to sleep for 30mins and off to seletar dam. Me, my mom, cik mis and uncle. All the while, i was looking at the road.. hoping to see him. I cried silently. haiz. again the topic was about me and you. maybe i went too deep in the sea.

THIS IS HOW I CELEBRATED MY 20TH. <3

no plans for birthday

I am not expecting it.

I have been wondering how's my day gonna be like tomorrow.
I guess no one remember my birthday.

SAD SADDED SADDEN SADDENING

NURSHILAWATY ;

NUT
RAW
SHIT
TURN
YAWN
LAW
LAWN
LATIN
RUN
RAT
RAN

youre one of a kind,boy.

few more hours for me to turn in to 20yrs old.

I wonder will he call me to ask me out.

fat hopes again.ahah

shall wonder all night long..

night people. i want to sleep.


i love you . kisses on your forehead.

oh well,i remember i always massage you whenever youre tired. scratch your back to make you sleep. hahaha. i love those nights. where you hug me tight.

now i shall just hug bolster and always wish thats you.

endless love

he msged me. approximately at 12 md. to ask abt my audition. i was smiling actually.

i miss him.
everytime i want to msg him and ask him out, i will hesitate because i always got rejected.
and everytime we msg, we will have some misinterpretation.



















i miss you yat. <3

No food means no love.

urgh.
I felt somehow today is a tiring day. but it helps me to forget everything.. At one point of time, whenever i need to do feeding, the thought of you came by. that is the hardest of all. Why do all the beautiful things come to my mind only now? looking at this couple,standing next to me reminded me of hugging you in the mrt. Aha. And out of sudden, my tears are already in verge on dropping. Shit. I hate this.
I miss my old self whom laugh non stop and act like a fool every time.

I was browsing my photo albums. I have hundreds pics of you and me. That keeps my heart beating non stop.But what upset me most is you said we had a boring relationship. why didn't you tell me? so i can improve. but after this had happened, theres nothing i can change.

its not that im blind

that could be on purpose. Whats your motive? I shouldn't bother at all.

i saw that doll is no longer on your keychains.everything i bought, is no longer by your side,its kept one side.

Leng is still in singapore surprisingly.
These few days I've been nausea and weak. Could be due to less intake nowadays. I can barely eat and sleep after all these rollercoaster rides going on.I need a break.
Pay day, quick come by as I want to go there by myself.And goodbye singapore.
I need to bang my head hard on the wall. I just want to know if it was wrong to love you.I've been sleeping for 2-3 hours only.I want to sleep all the way and live in dreamland.As for now, my feet is still swelling and I have no idea should I work of take mc, mc will bring bad reputation for me and I will not get any incentive. hehehe.I want to work work and work. Earn money for myself,save and go far away.Before that, I want to enroll at woodlands provided i have enough money.

shit, i typed so long and to know my internet dc.

I miss you is all i can say now.I don't want to end our friendship.Even though they said, don't even call this a friendship. I didn't say anything bad. I just said you left me by not giving the chance to look at you and hug you for the last time.That night, you left me hanging behind that enclosed door, tearing away. I was close of jumping down but my mom and grandmother came into the picture which stop me from doing that. The road was clear and there's no car at all.
I want no one to intrude with my feelings and life.I need a break before take amples of dosage. urghh.

you dont seem to acknowledge me anymore

Its 2am in the morning.

i was thinking about my birthday. I was thinking of spending it alone at seletar dam with a small cake with me. just myself as I have no partner.

so saddening, I want to make others happy but I got it bad.Does overdose help?

Im thinking of you

Im thinking of you,in my sleepless solitude tonight
If it was wrong to love you then my heart just won't let me right cause I've drowned in you snd I won't pull through
Without you by my side..I'd give my all to have just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine
cause I can't go on living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight..baby can you feel me..Imagining I'm looking in your eyes..I can see you clearly..vividly emblazoned in my mind and yet you're so far like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight.

If you were my own
To caress and hold
I would shower you with love
And drown within your soul
'Cause I live and breathe for you
And I really need you to know <3

I wonder and ponder too much about all those matters that are going on.
My life is like a rollercoaster with no brakes in between.Maybe I should blame myself because Ive been yearning to ride rollercoaster.. in order to settle this, I want to sit in between and hold both hands and let all out despite feeling fear and melancholy tears.I wish everything will come to an end on that day. I've made my mind to forgo my dream and wishful thinking.

They say, in order to live, we need to dream but whatever I dream of, makes my life and people around me suffer. I feel so vulnerable. Rejected and dejected.I went for long rides at night,I wander around the city in the middle of the night,alone. Yes alone. I can't sleep so I choose to go out and have some peaceful mind all by myself. good to have connections everywhere.But bills are killing me softly. You, my blog, have been a good companion. you are where I pour out my rants and such but shit happened and it destroyed part of my life.i am sorry because all this occured unintentionally, If I was a perfect person, I would stop all these from occurring and safe everyone from having problems.Living as a good person is the same as destroying ourselves. Being good is not enough?Bad mouth for being good and bad mouth from being bad. I would rather be as bad to balance those bad mouth.So as not to feel much pitiful and regret. but i chose to be a good person and help as much as i can. but my good intention is always seen as bad.Who is living in this world happily? please share with me, how?throughout my 20 yrs of age, i've been feeling down. When the happy time came, it didnt last. I should give up on myself.but i dont give up visiting you in my heart.thats your place and i havent met anyone yet to replace you, but i think none will replace even though you might see me with another guy after your marriage.<3

takes two to clap

Why do I even exist in this crucial world? Is it to hurt others aroound me or to help them with whatever matter? I felt my existance have brought a messy lifestyle , complicated and uneasy.Why do i even exist?Why?
An hour ago, someone tried to jump down from my house building.Attempt failed.I feel like doing the same but wish a success attempt.I want to lessen everyone's burden.
I am really sorry. I really appreciate all the small and big things you have done for me. frankly I have no intention to hurt you or otherwise.

you kill me with no love

At this point of time, i feel like jumping off from this building.Why is it hard to live happily without anyone trying to ruin the beauty of life.I don't want to hurt him and his family.I always want to help him but other people from outside has been putting poison about me.Why is it this way?I was shocked when i saw his message.I really have this blog on my own.No one knows.Why is there people who wants to break my relationship and friendship.What have i done or what are they jealous about me? Please, i want to live longer, give me this chance to live and have a happy time despite the break up which have destroyed my heart.I miss him and those moments i had with him.Why are you breaking it?I was just sharing how she feels because she was really upset and said she didn't like that lady.As much as we understand, close because she is helping him with work.As about you, you work with her everytime. okay. maybe the colour that you chose is always the brightest and nicest of all.Im the dullest and ugliest of all.You only need me when you need to darken the shade. but i know you longer, shouldnt i be the one whom you will look fow when you are dealing with problems and such. your reasons are rationale, mine too.but whatever it is, how you guys gonna look at me now,im okay because i leave you to judge.

i think i have shrunk. i think i have lost my pride.In fact, i have lost everything.

As much as i want you very much. i miss your touch and how you bully me. i cant have you anymore.everytime i saw a couple, i cried and walked as fast as possible.i dont want to be noticed for crying.when we are single, we tend to see happy couple.

i want to have someone to look after me. show me love.
i feel so disappointed with my life now. never get better.
at times i feel like killing myself. and bid goodbye to everyone.

another 6 days, i gonna turn 20. i want to celebrate with you, thats only a wish that no longer can be fulfilled.
i long for your "baby.."kisses.."\
baby, i want you back.

i love you still, khayrul.
but she asked me to take u as a hi bye friend.

Menjauhi diri

Everyone says, he doesn't deserve a girl like me and she said he don't respect me as a girl.
Why do i deserve this after all the things i have done? I've gone through alot. I sacrificed my time for you and family to only know i am nothing to you. I am more willing to help you by knowing you as a stranger. Because knowing you as my past or maybe a friend which i don't think it exist in my world, it's just going to hurt me deeper. But knowing you once and twice was great and really help much to me because you open up my eyes and see your true colours instead.You are my past. I've always hoped for you to be my present but looking at my future and you behaviour, you going to repeat this and I am going to go through the same old shit. You shitted on me and you played with my feelings. I have never thought you are this bad and you just dump your friend aside after having a new friend or partner. A big applause to you. I am no one thus the avoidance and ignorance I get. But my kindness will always be there for you. I will help you if you ever needed me regardless of those harsh words and such.

Happy for you khayrulhayat.

As for cik Aida, she must have gone through alot too. Eversince cik nory is close with his mom, she is being left out and not noticed on that day.

Same boat. he is treating me this way.

still i love you. you were there by me at all times.

a broken glass

I can't fix back a broken heart.
I feel so much envy whenever i saw couples having fun and loving each other.
Why can't i own the same.

I hate to cry and cause myself to be hurt.. but thinking of you, makes me cry harder. i always wanted you to be by me. understand my situation. when are you going to open up your heart for me.. chances is all i need to proof you.
im sick of getting sick.

i had a quick talk with caroline, she said, what is meant for you, will always be yours. don't chase after him, he will come. don't ignore nor don't msg. -haiz,you its hard. the more you want it, the more you wont get it.

Ku ingin bersama mu, kau berjanji menjaga hati ini.

you said even though you have a gf, you will still bring me out. but you seems to forget abt me already. you neglected me.you have become very bold.

you have karen to fill up your heart,now..

you just pushed me far away and now i feel im useless and should go far away from you.

they were mad cause i went to his house to help his mom to look after the house, give the cats food..then i help to fold clothes and water the plants. they said they are nothing to me, who else will do if im not ard..

i said i do it sincerely. io have nothing against them.

fad, what is wrong with you? why did you suddenly ask me to forget about yat.???! add on to my anger.why did you asked if im stil sleeping over..???
i know it, i know when to forget him.. just that the past is still clinging on to my mind

a friend will always be there to share expriences and be a listening ear

29th march 2010,

Was at home since I changed shift to morning. Went to join mummy and cik noriyah along with husband and khay to jb. before that all of us were at sembawang checking cj house. Nice, i wish i could rent for myself.Jb there just to have dinner.hahahaahah!
Home.

finally, i gave him that precious pen from agnes b. Hope he likes it.

30th march 2010.

JURONG BIRD PARK with Siti , Kak ladygaga and Kak Shims. A bit of wasted cause they didnt try to walk in to those enclosed sections.apart from that, it was quite an enjoyable day. I didnt know mummy actually wanna go jb on that day.kinda missed it but still she picked me up at woodlands.had rojak somewhere her house. saw him. no, not a word of hi.how are you and where are u from. Hey, im plain stupid i guess, as said by her.stupid for i cant see that he is really over me.

31st march 2010.

Back to square one again. Me hisyam ,sharifah and amali. PULAU UBIN. I really feel the pinch upon hearing what hisyam have shared.